Issue #12 - Decon
I don't know what that title means. My strategy has been to simply not think about the title, and just commit to whatever first passes by my brain. Then, I'll use that as some sort of anchor or reference point for the following article. The title, however "non-sense", did come from me, after all.
With that being said. For the past few weeks I've been waking up later and later, culminating in this recent, terrible habit of waking up at 12:30pm. I decided to implement two rules. No caffeine after 11am, and simply go to bed early. Simple enough. After dinner, I went to directly to bed last night at around 9:30pm. Nothing worked. I woke up at 12:30 again. That was 14, almost 15 hours of sleep last night. I think I'm becoming really depressed. It makes sense.
I don't enjoy the place I live, the work I do, the food I eat, the people I'm around, the school I'm attending, the artwork that I make, really, anything I do. So I suppose it makes sense that I'm becoming depressed. In this country I feel like a crab in this tall bucket. I am getting dragged down. I want to be pulled up. That, and I have no real quality time with my girlfriend. I enjoy talking to her, but I want to really be in her presence.
I don't want to simply just complain. I want to do some things that I think could improve my life. I already feel better and more energized than I did this morning. Which is a good thing - I stuck to my plan of writing in my paper notebook, and I'm doing my Bear work as well. I think I'll try and create some sort of webpage about digital publishing. I don't know though. Building websites is not an easy thing, and I'm feeling like a lazy piece of shit. Sorry. But it's true.
I don't really know what else I can do to make myself happier. Maybe some type of exercise. I really think the most realistic thing I can do is to leave this house. This place really sucks, and its ruining my life. That, or I can drink coffee even though it's almost 1, and I was planning on calling my girlfriend at 3. So, I won't do that. I don't like feeling like my real life is on a time crunch until I call her for between the hours of 3 to 5. That's not a fun or productive way to live my life. I need to feel better... somehow. It will come, I'm sure. In the mean time, I'm going to continue generating ideas and working on little projects that come to mind. I don't feel completely empty, just partially. I will recover with time.