Issue #18 - Terror
The title of this blogpost is the current emotion I'm feeling. I'm trying to get better at naming my emotions - I should begin by noting that perhaps terror is not the best word I could've chosen. But it's close enough.
My relationship is healthy, I have enough money, I have everything I need. Why do I still feel so unsatisfied? Last night as I was in bed I imagined a world where I followed my every whim and went off to do as I pleased. I imagined myself moving to Silicon Valley and trying to work at a startup. This was one of my dreams. I really wanted to do it, I don't think I will anymore. Maybe I will, who knows? I don't know anything, I feel as though I am completely rootless in this word. I don't know who I am or what values I hold. I know certain things that I sometimes enjoy, but I cannot say there is anything inside of me that is truly fixed.
I suppose I'm not really looking forward to living with these two roommates, for a year. I am already annoyed with them and we're not even in the same country. This is a perfect example: should I feel this thought to its conclusion, and attempt to find a new place to live? Or ought I to "suck it up", and gain the skill of being amicable to people I don't exactly love, as it may benefit me later? This is one of those things, I just can't understand what it is. I want to be a better person. That's all I know. I have before me another 1 year of relative free time to train myself and gain skills. I don't want to be this Western man who is living his whole life in preparation of living. I feel my bones aching inside of me with the force of 1000 suns. I am being burned alive from the inside out. But another, loud part of me simply says: relax. I'm too young to be this serious, but I am.