Issue #21
What do I want out of this lifetime?
I don't know. I never do. I'm very happy that I've seemed to have cleaned up the next portion of my life, such that I can be "freed" and open to pursue what I wish for without external distraction or odd pressures. This will mean that I need a certain amount of self-love, as, internal blockades are will still remain. I will not be freed, I will be freed to work. And that will always be a decision to make. I'm really not sure what the best way to go about things will be. In all honesty, I see things in very odd ways, and I'm not at all confident that my being is capable of success in this world. I wish I could say that I was more God-like and confident, but, atleast in this moment, I do not feel so strong. Occasionally, as I brush shoulders with my peers, I do feel a resurgence of faith and happiness. Then again, I come back to myself, and feel a bit of shame at my superiority. I shouldn't, though. What harm is there in trying to be the best person I can possibly be? I don't see at all how that could be a bad thing. I aim only at the immortals. I want to shoot myself into the stars and land amongst them. I want to be there, amongst the crowd, shouting and laughing and having fun. And lately I have just been inside.
This past week as been odd. I have been living almost 24/7 within earshot of my girlfriend. I've probably never been this close to someone before. I wonder if I should purchase a book at the bookstore here, or just be contented with the things I have. I wonder if my books are helping or harming me. I don't know. I want to believe that all I have to be is myself. I am happy that artistic partner has such a positive outlook on the way that things are going, but honestly, I feel in many ways that my contributions are already being stifled - not to say that he's doing anything wrong, in any way, but from a completely internal point of view. Its my own ego, my own shortcomings as a man I'm forced to contend with. And that will be the real issue I continue with going forward. I feel like I have no strong moral base from which I can branch out from, and cause great things. I've finished reading this psychoanalytic text, and I was just forced to remember that I had no mother who was able to give me values. Then, I was born into this valueless society. Then, I was moved, into a distinct culture.
This doesn't need to be too magical: but I'll say it as if it were. I was born to create new values. Perhaps that means some sort of toppling of the previous sorts. I hope not. I do know that I'll have to be the one to do it all. I am the only person I know who is capable of it. I've been wandering in the dark for a long time now. And I must continue onward, one foot in front of the other. Perhaps for some time I will slip, and find myself falling through the darkness for a year or two. Perhaps that has already passed. I am the ship sailing through this rocky ocean. And I will continue to be. All of that is necessary.
As for the reward? I am not confident there will be one, other than the reward of manifesting what I desire, of making a silent God smile, of the rippling muscles required to forge my metals. Meditate, work, smile, remain quiet, think, grow, build, produce. All of these things are free. You will do them. You will continue to do them. You will be greater. Your leaves and branches will stretch out far enough to provide shade for sweating travellers. Your family will be well-fed by your growth. The only thing that is promised is the work, the focus. Stay loving and propserous. I love you very much, Mr. Thank you. It's breakfast time now.